Bless Your Sweet Mistakes (July 1, 2007 by Kathy Klos)

The title of my talk, “Bless Your Sweet Mistakes”, comes from a contemporary song found on a CD mix that my daughter made for me. Some time ago, I read that we (humans) solidify our taste in music between the ages of 18 and 24. Much goes into that: I know my musical preferences include “the music of my parents” and even my grandparents--- Big Band, Cab Calloway, Lady Day--- and my “own music” is very eclectic, including most things folk and many things rock.

What a gift it is, to be given music… because sharing music—even that which we don’t personally consider music—is sharing yourself. And so, I thought it a beautiful thing when my daughter Emily, at age 18, gave me a music CD containing over an hour that told me of her heart and her head. Much of the music on this mix CD was familiar to me: it was some of my music and my mother’s music… but the song that inspired this talk was new to me.

I was listening in my car, and when the words of this piece made it through to my conscious mind, I nearly wept… because I knew I could ease back a bit, and stop worrying so much about my child--- worrying the way a parent can “these days”… because I knew she “got it”… and even if she didn’t “get it” to the extent that I feel I do, at least she knew that by including this particular song in the CD mix, she was giving me information about herself that would help me understand that she’s “getting there”. I felt I needed to share this, especially with those who are raising children “in UU’, because Emily has been part of a UU congregation since her naming ceremony as an infant.

I am a life-long Unitarian—one raised in the Unitarian Church School of the 1950s, where we read and studied such books as “Jesus, the Carpenter’s Son, “War’s Unconquered Children Speak”, “Child of the Sun” and “The Church Across the Street.” My family history includes great-grandparents who attended a Universalist Church on the banks of the Mississippi in Minneapolis… a great-grandfather who went to prison for protesting US involvement in WWI (imagine that: protesting a war you consider immoral… and going to prison for it)!

While accepting the fact that we (humans) must each learn the Lessons of Life for ourselves, I also know that, as a parent, it’s hard not to preach a bit… perhaps not so much to teach or warn, but out of amazement that we finally understand our own lessons. So when I explained to Emily some of the things that had taken me fifty years to figure out, I was also congratulating me for figuring it out… things like, why it is important to love yourself… because if you can’t love you, how can you expect anyone else to love you? How could you love anyone else, if you don’t love yourself… how could you even respect someone who loved you, if you thought you weren’t worth loving?  And, with learning to love yourself, you must learn to forgive yourself… and with learning to forgive yourself, you can rid yourself of shame and self-doubt, and become your own salvation.

That’s the short story… and when I heard the words to this song, I understood that Emily had heard me, and I wasn’t just yakking to myself (long trips in the close confinement of an automobile can truly help with communication).

And so, what I thought I’d do is walk through the lyrics of this contemporary song and give you my understanding of it, in much the same way that a protestant minister might interpret a Bible verse. This is my meaning of this song… it may not be the author’s. But we get to do that, when it comes to songs and poetry, and Bible verses…. We get to find our own meaning.

An example of this might be the protestant hymn “Amazing Grace”, which the average Presbyterian might say is about being transformed by the love of God… and I might choose to look at as one man’s ability to transform through self-forgiveness. You all know the story, I am sure: The words “Amazing Grace how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me/ I once was lost, but now am found/ Was blind but now I see”… were written by the captain of a slave ship, after he’d given up his involvement in the slave trade. “I once was lost, but now am found….. Was blind, but now I see…..”. To me, it’s about personal insight and claiming yourself, for yourself…. About self-forgiveness.

And now, I will get to Emily’s song… to Emily’s message to her mother, about where she is with herself. I have to play it for you, just as I heard it… and you may follow along on the sheet provided, so that you are clear on the words. You may dance, if you choose… and you may sing along, especially with the chorus. And when it’s over, I will give you “my take”… I do have quibbles with some of the words, but it’s mostly a semantics-thing.

Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends he cast,
In the play he wrote for you.

And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch
Blaze a trail to her front porch
Kiss her till your lips are scorched
Till the rain comes down on you

Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumbled you down to your knees.
That brought you to this place
Changing you by degrees…
When change was just what you needed…

So if you live your life in a three piece suit,
In a cocktail dress, or combat boots
You pick your path, you walk your truth
And the world will come round to you.
It's a long strange ride, I can't tell you why
But there's a place in your pocket where peace can abide
You pull it out, it's a compass, a guide
And it will put a little soul on you.

Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumbled you down to your knees.
That brought you to this place
Changing you by degrees…
When change was just what you needed…
What you needed…

And in this wild blue world
There is a soul weavin' fine feelin' girl
You've got to walk in paradise to find a pearl
If you only believe,
You'll get what you need…
What you needed…

Conquer your fear and you'll master the game,
Life is always and never the same.
Use a little faith to light the flame
And I know you'll connect to you.

Bless your sweet mistakes,
That crumbled you down to your knees.
That brought you to this place
Changing you by degrees…
When change was just what you needed…
What you needed…

[Skip to chorus, because it’s the theme of the talk]

“Bless your sweet mistakes that crumbled you down to your knees…”

I have a problem with the word “mistake”, because we may think of a mistake as a negative thing, and we tend to beat ourselves up over our mistakes. I’d change the word “mistake” to “lesson”…. Because, if I look at my mistakes as lessons—especially if I learn from them—I am able to forgive myself for having made (perhaps) an unwise choice or “human error”. And those mistakes that “crumble us down to our knees” are the best ones: I take greater notice of something that whaps me over the head… or rips out my heart and stomps on it.

“That brought you to this place…”

If I look at where I am--- where that lesson brought me, what it taught me--- I can acknowledge the good of it. I can truly forgive myself for having “made a mistake” if I can say, but for [this thing I did or said or didn’t do], I would not be where I am.

And what if you’re in a place you don’t want to be? I think that’s part of the lesson--- being able to acknowledge that, and do what needs to be done to make things right for you.

“Changing you by degrees…
When change was just what you needed…”

“Change” is another word I quibble with--- it isn’t “change” so much as it is “understanding” or “enlightenment”  or “awareness”… self-understanding that brings about changes in perception of all that is around me… because “this place” that I have been brought to isn’t just a physical “place”… so much as it is “an understanding.”

So, that lesson brought me to a particular understanding about myself…

Starting at the top of the song lyrics,

“Pop the cork, a champagne glass
Raise to the future, drink to the past
Thank the Lord for the friends he cast,
In the play he wrote for you.”
 

I find things I don’t exactly agree with—while I find it important to celebrate the moment… to look forward to what’s ahead and to be able to acknowledge where I have been, I personally don’t think my life has been mapped out ahead of time…  I do see the influences of certain contributions of genetics and environment, but I also see how my own decisions… some of which were mistakes/lessons… guided my way. I don’t personally think these lessons are given to me so much as I bring them my way… and perhaps genetics and environment are part of why that happens for me, but it’s up to me to be aware of my lessons… or I am perhaps doomed to repeat them. 

Our biggest or most painful lessons have to do with “the heart”… and the song speaks to this when it says

“And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch
Blaze a trail to her front porch
Kiss her till your lips are scorched
Till the rain comes down on you”

This stanza describes a common lesson. A friend of mine asks me over and over again why she keeps having the same problems with men, saying, “I seem to find the same type over and over and he ends up treating me the same and I get hurt.” I’ve told her to examine that… I see what she does as an example of having to repeat the lesson until it is learned… but unless she can see things clearly for herself, my telling her what to do or not do won’t work. I’ve suggested she look at “the type” she chooses to date, and she only tells me that she finds men who aren’t that particular “type” uninteresting.

“So if you live your life in a three piece suit,
In a cocktail dress, or combat boots
You pick your path, you walk your truth
And the world will come round to you.”

Wow… do I even need to give you my take on this one? I sincerely hope my daughter understands this part… it’s taken me decades to “get it”, yet I do recall having to memorize Polonius’ advice to Laertes when in the eleventh grade: “And this above all: to thine own self be true…”.  And if I am true to myself, what I need will come my way. Maybe it works this way: if I am true to myself--- if I am “aware”--- then I am aware of what it is that I need, and I am more likely to seize upon the things that come my way.

“It's a long strange ride, I can't tell you why
But there's a place in your pocket where peace can abide
You pull it out, it's a compass, a guide
And it will put a little soul on you.”

This phrase is about having faith that if you are true to yourself, your feet will be on the path to get you where you need to be in order to have peace and satisfaction in your life. To have faith that “everything will work out okay for me” is much harder for those who don’t have the advantages of our particular society and the times in which we are living.

I feel fortunate that I am living in a quiet place without a big-city retrace atmosphere that would flip me into “survival mode” whenever I had to battle rush-hour traffic just to get home… If I was struggling to survive, I could respect myself for those strengths in me that help me survive… but some human beings are placed in situations where survival forces them to make choices against their conscience.  And I am grateful I have brought myself to this place—this physical place—that permits me to live in a way that nourishes my spirit.

“And in this wild blue world
There is a soul weavin' fine feelin' girl
You've got to walk in paradise to find a pearl
If you only believe,
You'll get what you need…
What you needed…”

I think The Stones said something similar: “You can’t always get what you want/And if you try sometime you find/You get what you need…”

Here’s where “having faith” comes in, for me… I tell myself that if I am true to myself--- if I follow my heart--- what I need will come my way. And I remind myself (because of my history of mistakes/lessons) that what I think it is that I need, may not really be what I need after all. This is what is expressed in the last stanza of the song:

“Conquer your fear and you'll master the game,
Life is always and never the same.
Use a little faith to light the flame
And I know you'll connect to you.”

The lessons of your life can teach you about yourself… about your heart…  bless your sweet mistakes, because they are the lessons that can guide you.

The above talk was a bit different in the spoken form, as I tried to tie in the other things I spoke about during the hour.

Below are my selections for the opening and closing words—my opening words are part of a Unitarian “prayer” I found when I Googled what we used to say at First Unitarian in Minneapolis when I was a kid… only that particular “prayer” or “blessing” had to be changed because we no longer use the word “men” to mean “humankind”. The old blessing was “May we have eyes that see, hearts that love, and hands that are ready to serve, so that we may do our part in the world of men.” (Now, what exactly is “the world of men”… ?) Then, what I did in my actual speech, was to refer back to the opening words and talk (for instance) about having “eyes that see” not only things in the real world but being able to see ourselves--- “know myself”… and the courage it takes to do that (referencing the word “courage” below)--

Opening Words: May we have eyes that see, hearts that love and hands that are ready to serve in love and in kindness, with caring and courage.

Closing Words: To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived—this is to have succeeded. Emerson

 

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